Lest You Drive An Angel
From Your Door
thanks to Déborah for bringing to my attention this piece of
tripe from Marie
rebuttal follows. As always, the other guy is in red, and I'm
around, I addressed the
plight of women who like porn — yet another type who
doesn't count as
in the eyes of a certain school of feminism.
I always feel their
pain especially sharply whenever I am reminded — as I
was by this Marie
Claire article — that
in the eyes of a certain school of dipshits, I don’t count as a man.
if I had a nickel for every
time I saw an article about how all
men think this or all
it turned out to be something that I do not in fact think or prefer...
have slightly more money than I do now, but not a lot exactly, because
this had happened a thousand times, that would still only be fifty
it probably hasn’t happened a thousand times, because that
would mean I had
seen articles like this at the rate of two a week for nine years and
months, which I almost certainly haven’t.
I did just see this one, though,
and it was stupid.
What's the problem?
time around, the idea is that all
men prefer innocent girls. As
paragraph explains, author Rich Santos arrived at this conclusion by
over with his friends, which is clearly a scientifically rigorous way
arriving at broad conclusions, because it’s not like your
friends tend to like
the same stuff as you and that’s why they’re your
friends in the first place or
could end the essay there if Rich
Santos — who obviously knows from manly, because he’s
writing for Marie
Claire — were the only
one who had
ever voiced the opinion that men want wide-eyed giggling pigtailed
virgins, but he’s not. You’ve
that Mary Ann is historically the clear victor in Ginger vs. Mary Ann
polls. You’ve got
the fact that most PUA
blogs spend a lot of time disparaging “sluts” and
concentrating on how to
seduce good girls. And
I was going to make a joke about Japan here, but now is not the time.
never understood that first bit, by the
sexy one. That’s
point. I want to
have sex with
the sexy one, because
that’s what sexy means. What
there’s no need to take this
into generalities. Santos’s
so asinine that if I address it holistically I might miss something, so
it’s time to break out the red font and do a good
point-by-point response. You may not have seen Passenger 57
recently, but here's hoping you remember to always bet on black.
other day some guys
and I were discussing the "innocent girl" versus the "bad
girl." Across the board, the guys agreed they prefer an innocent woman
over a "bad girl."
already addressed the fact that your
own goddamn friends do not
constitute a random sample. I
might add that referring to one of the options as “bad
girls” turns this into
somewhat of a leading question. Here’s
an idea: go ask some more guys, but this time phrase the
“girls who wear pink sweatpants with Ugg boots and don’t
swallow” vs. “girls
who love whiskey and anal and will never ever make you see a
where a stressed-out magazine editor who seems to have it all thinks
she can be the one to finally reform Matthew
and I bet you get different results.
important to own
whatever mojo you have, because we do pay attention to that overall
giving off. And sometimes we go for the opposite of what we went for in
past — but we definitely bucket women into innocent or bad.
first sentence doesn’t mean
anything, the second goes without saying, and the third is not
other than that, it’s brilliant. Honestly, if you
are a guy who thinks
this is true, do me a favor: go outside and walk around the
back and pick up from right here.
you categorize every
woman you passed on the street as “innocent” or
“bad?” Did you even
of the women you
passed on the street that way? Then
the hell are you under the impression that not only you, but every
other guy on
earth, does this in 100% of cases?
the concepts of “innocent” and
“bad” mean something — but they are
silly sexual stereotypes designed for bedroom roleplay.
This is like if someone seriously
suggested that all women divide all men into either cowboys or pirates.
of these are the same girl, but with
different hair and clothing.
because, while we like innocent women, we don't like to be bored. On
hand, a crazy bad girl is too much. I like an innocent girl with a bad
that comes out once in a while.
Has anyone else noticed that
this guy has the sentence structure of a middle-schooler?
Anyway — got
it, ladies? On the
one hand, be
innocent. On the
be a bad
girl, but without
crossing the line into “crazy”
shouldn’t be hard to avoid,
because the criteria distinguishing one from the other are made so
here. Above all,
that, in order
to count as innocent, your bad streak can only come out once in a
example, having sex with someone that you
have made the conscious decision to have sex with at a time and place
convenient for the having of sex is fine, but if you were unable to
yourself from scrawling “PIGGY” on your forehead in
lipstick and shoving random
objects up your ass at all hours of the day, irrespective of company
or location, then that would be too much.
You know all the women
you know who act like that? Well,
don’t like them.
said it before, and I’ll say it
again: the existence of the internet has caused the number of
experts dangerously to exceed the number of people who have
the slightest idea in eternal hell what they’re
buddies and I also theorized
that women all go through a bad guy phase. It was an interesting
one that may be way off, like most of the theories my buddies and I
Did this guy just come
right out and admit that he’s wrong about
everything? Did he
mention that on
resumé? Why did Marie
hire him? I
expected better from them. Hold
on, no I
didn’t. Also, that's not what epiphany means.
you know why women like bad guys, Rich?
they’re under the impression that
their options are “bad guys” and
are some reasons guys like
are some words that rhyme with Corey!
reason I think the buttoned up business look is so hot on women is
like taking things apart. The "innocent" style is put together.
Making someone bad is fulfilling and fun, and it feels more like a
journey. Guys just want to be the leader of that journey instead of the
followers. I guess it's like white fresh snow versus the snow that's
black on the side of the road in under the haze of car exhaust. The
is more of a palette for adventure.
that’s weird. I
also have a
businesswoman fetish, but I
think of them as bad girls. I’m
to suspect that this guy just doesn’t know what
“innocent” means. I
realize that women are art, and that two
people’s interpretations of art can differ — but the
word “innocent” means “not
evil,” so if he thinks it means dressing properly,
he’s just wrong.
on pretty safe ground here: the
first thing they teach you in porno class is that businesswoman is the
the important thing to remember is that women
who know what they’re doing in bed are full of carbon
monoxide and rock salt. Never
sit in a closed
garage with one, or
mistake her for regular salt and put her on your food.
a bad girl can be fun and enticing, but she's not the type we'd
to mom in most cases. We also assume that a bad girl is not looking for
anything too serious, so it's safe for us not to look for anything
get this “bring home to mom” shit out of the way
first and foremost. I hear
guys say this
time, but I have no clue what it is even supposed to begin to
would you not want a girl who likes sex
to meet your mom, and more importantly, how would your mom even know
her? I’m willing
to bet that even the “baddest”
girl you’ve ever known would be able to restrain herself from
dropping to her knees
and deep-throating you in
front of your
mom, so these are almost
certainly independent variables. I
once dated a girl who liked to take it up
the ass with no lube because she got off on the fact that it made her
and my mom loved
when I was
dating that virgin,
she and my mom could not stand to be in the same room for fifteen
seconds. But all
ultimately beside the point
because, when you get right down to it, I profoundly do not give a shit
what my mom thinks about anything. How
ironic that this has apparently made me less judgmental of
and when it comes to determining who is or is not looking for
something serious, I have this crazy thing I do called
I already made the
joke, but it's a shame not to use both pictures.
don't do well with intimidating women. I
confidence, but that confidence has to be a quiet confidence
— not in your face
confidence. Most guys don't want to admit it, but they don't
to be in bed with a girl who knows more than they do (though a Catholic
girl probably knows more than I do, so I'm always on the defensive in
again, I’m not even sure what he means here.
mean, I get feeling intimidated by
women. I get that. It’s
hard to approach a woman. Once
you approach her,
it’s hard to keep the
conversation going. During the conversation, it’s hard to
tell whether she
likes you or is just being polite.
you get up to the part where the girl wants
to have sex, the intimidating
part is over. This
guy has it all
like not being nervous about the regular season, the playoffs, or the
Superbowl, but then after you win being terrified of the part where you
have to look
into the camera and say you’re going to Disneyland.
is pretty much the only thing about women
if a girl tells
you that she wants you
to take her ass-to-mouth and film it, what exactly is the stumbling
there? How does
“knowledge” even become
an issue? Do you
not know where
is? Do you not know
how a camera
works? What? There
comes a time in life (and usually
fairly early in life) where “knowing more than” the
other person is just no
longer an issue. If
and weren’t raised in a Skinner Box by religious zealots,
what information can
someone else possibly have that you don’t?
Yes, some people are
certainly better in bed than others, but that’s not
about whether you have
information — it’s
about whether you’re afraid to use it.
So use it.
I had to read that last sentence about ten times before I
finally realized that he was using “Catholic
schoolgirl” as an example of
someone who isn’t
sexually experienced. Dude,
have you ever
known any actual
Girls" seem promiscuous. I'm not sure if anyone likes
now you are: I
am sure no one likes being
has precisely shit to do with shit. Saying
that a woman who
likes sex will
automatically cheat on you is like saying that a woman who likes music
automatically rob a record store.
way, a woman who seems
promiscuous will get hit on because a guy wants to take her home, but
usually doesn't amount to anything in the end.
whose fault is that, chucklenuts? What you just
to “When a man
decides that a woman is a
slut, and also arbitrarily decides not to pursue a relationship with
this reason even though he is attracted to her, he will not end up in a
relationship with her, and therefore being a slut is bad.”
Do you know what “self-fulfilling
prophecy” means, Rich? It
means that if
you claim wearing green shirts increases one’s chances of
getting punched, and
then go around punching people in green shirts,
you’re not really
Girls' styles are less mysterious. I've always thought the
nerdy girl who covers up her figure underneath
Leaving a glimpse or a tease of hotness is more effective. Then I can
work to reveal the rest. I guess I like glasses better than tight
wouldn't complain about a woman showing too much skin, but I don't find
what? That’s like
saying “I’ve always thought the cheeseburger in the
looked better than the cheeseburger outside the box.”
it’s in a box, how do you even know it’s a
imagining it is, because you’re an asshole.
“nerdy girl” is hiding her figure, how do you know she’s
attractive underneath — because that’s what always
happens in the movies? Movies
are movies for a
reason, dude, and it’s
not because that’s what happens in real life.
as far as you
“doing the work to reveal the rest,” this
you’re so sensitive you have a rape fetish?
would a womens'
magazine even hire this guy? Although
did openly admit that he's always wrong three paragraphs
into the article, so I guess if that didn’t stop them, why
would the fact that
he’s obviously an aspiring rapist?
I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair.
have control issues. We hate to admit it, we usually like to
be in control. A bad girl is
control — we never know what she's going to do next.
okay. I guess it was fair.
though. This guy’s
probably not going to rape
anybody, but I’m getting at a legitimate complaint here:
schmucks like this are
able to charm dumb women who read mainstream magazines because they
innocence and inexperience, which is reassuring to dumb people — but
it’s reassuring, nobody bothers to brush away the dust and
see that "innocence fetish" = "misogyny," and womens' magazines keep
like this no matter how
many times I
point this out.
don’t need a woman to “know less” than I
I don’t need to “do the work” of taking
off her clothes for her, and I don’t
even know what “in control” freaking means. But
I’m the asshole because I like porno,
even though I want to watch said porno with
a woman who also
likes porno. Whatever. I’m done.
Rich Santos right that most guys are like
this? Probably. But
then, the most popular show on TV is American
so one must always bear
in mind that the majority of people are retarded.
guys are looking for the virgin who’s magically
great in bed, most girls are looking for the frat asshole who magically
being a frat asshole the second he lays eyes on her, and all of them
to find out whether unicorns write more accurate horoscopes than
would tell you to
just forget the existence
of these people, but unfortunately they're allowed to vote, so we are
to remain peripherally aware of their existence in the same way that we
peripherally aware of the warning signs that the mold on our
might be toxic.
speaking of warning signs, here’s
something else I noticed.
wasn’t hard to predict that Santos's
article was going to have pissed-off comments from women at the
what’s interesting is the form they
in from a feminist angle and decrying Santos’s virgin/whore
appropriating PUA language
and calling him a Beta. It’s
whether this assessment is accurate — after all, the
self-appointed Alphas who
dominate PUA threads overwhelmingly agree with Santos’s
preference for innocent
girls — but this is still an interesting development: women
PUAs are more than willing to see the world from a PUA framework and
terminology if it allows them to insult men.
this case, the man in question deserved
to be insulted (I cannot fathom the utter lack of self-awareness it
must take to
be this shockingly condescending and this embarrassingly immature at
time), but women should be very careful here.
On the one hand, there
are few things more devastating to a man than to
be openly called a Beta by a woman, so if you want to hurt a man, this
definitely work. But
on the other hand,
using PUA language for any reason is only going to promulgate the PUA
and create more PUAs, which women presumably do not want to
the One Ring, this is simply not a
weapon that can be wielded for good.
has only one master.
"IIII NEEEEEEG YOUUUUUU..."
a man writes an article about
liking nice girls and the women in the comments call him a pussy, you
culture is headed someplace interesting.
We’ll see how
it pans out, but I do hope that sooner or later we manage
to chuck this whole “good girl / bad girl” thing.
because I prefer bad girls to good girls — but
because there’s probably no such thing as either.
if we’re talking about devout Mormons
and sexy female assassins, then I guess there are good girls and bad
girls. But in terms
day-to-day life, there aren’t. In
terms of 99% of the women you know, I’m
betting that they act professional at work, deferent around their
teases when they hit the bars with their girlfriends, and like dirty
the bedroom with their boyfriends.
Nobody is innocent, and
nobody is guilty, because none of this has anything
to do with good and evil. You
chasing the wide-eyed virgin if you want to, dumb guys, but assuming
with chicks of legal age — which I certainly hope you
are — this whole “innocence”
thing is probably all in our heads.
Mary Ann get busted for possession when she was like 70?
Sounds hardcore to me.