7/23/07

Since I first put up the site several months ago, a few attentive readers have noticed that, every now and then, I choose to self-apply the term “smart.”  Some of these readers have chosen to take issue with this and, consequently, I have been asked on more than one occasion to “prove” that I am, in fact, smart. 

The request has never failed to puzzle me because, frankly, I was under the impression that the essays themselves prove this.  Nevertheless, devoted to the scientific method as I am, I resolved to go back over my work, to see whether there was any chance that it does not sufficiently establish this. 

Said process ended with my concluding yet again that it absofuckinglutely does.

And yet, the retesting of the I-am-smart hypothesis was not a complete waste of time, as it led me to the discovery of a valuable corollary:  namely, that it is damn-near impossible to prove you are smart to someone who is a priori determined not to believe that you are smart.  Immediately, I set out to demonstrate this corollary via a traditional philosophical dialogue.  And I did.  Only it wasn’t funny.  So I resolved this problem by rewriting the dialogue, replacing the term “smart” with the term “good at basketball,” and the term “me” with the term “Michael Jordan.”    

Part One:  A Religious Conservative vs. Michael Jordan

Michael Jordan:  Yup, nothing takes my mind off that divorce settlement like shooting around at some random park, where for some reason I am not being mobbed by adoring fans.  It’s almost as if I’m just here waiting to be approached by a philosophical stereotype or two, in order that we may act out an extended allegory of some kind.

Religious Conservative:  Hey, you’re Michael Jordan, right?

Michael Jordan:  That’s me.

Religious Conservative:  The guy that everyone says is the greatest basketball player of all time?

Michael Jordan:  Seems I’ve heard people say that every now and then.  What can I do for you?

Religious Conservative:  Well, I’m a skeptical person by nature*, and I was wondering:  what evidence can you give me that you are in fact good at basketball?

    *(NOTE: nothing could be farther from the truth than this statement.)

Michael Jordan:  Well, since you asked…  I was a 14-time All-Star, a 5-time MVP, I hold records for the most scoring titles with 10 and the highest career scoring average with 30.12, as well as the highest playoff scoring average with 33.4, and I was named the greatest North American athlete of the 20^th century by ESPN.  There’s a bunch of other stuff too, but why come all the way here to ask me?  All of this information is readily available on the internet.

Religious Conservative:  I’d seen information like that on websites and in basketball encyclopedias before, but I figured that someone had probably made it all up just to fool me.

Michael Jordan:  That’s interesting.  Why would you have reason to suspect that it isn’t true?

Religious Conservative:  Well, I found this old book in the desert that was written by… I don’t know, some guy I guess — but I choose to believe that it was dictated to this guy by God, and it says that I’m the greatest basketball player of all time*.

    *(NOTE:  …and yet he assumed that it was the basketball encyclopedias that were made up to fool him.)

Michael Jordan:  Well, I’m an open-minded guy.  I’ll give your viewpoint a fair shake.  Let’s play a while and see what you can do.

    Approximately two-and-a-half minutes pass.

Michael Jordan:  Are you feeling alright, kid?  You seem a little dizzy.

Religious Conservative:  Who…?  Who, me…?  Yeah…  I’m… fine.  Never better, in fact.  That… was… an interesting exchange of viewpoints, and…  in… conclusion…  I have decided… to be… magnanimous and say that… you have the right to your opinion… and I have the right… to… mine.

Michael Jordan:  The right to — ?  Wow, okay, that didn’t just seem like a matter of opinion to me, but maybe you’re good in the clutch or something.  By my count, I’m up 122-0.  You want to keep playing?

Religious Conservative:  No, thanks.  I think I’ve had quite enough so-called evidence based on the way you see the world. 

Michael Jordan:  The way I see th—?!  Kid, the score is 122-0.

Religious Conservative:  Yes, according to science.  But would you mind if I asked you some follow-up questions based on my point of view?  Maybe they will help you to see the light.

Michael Jordan:  Help me…?  Well, I must admit, I’m intrigued.  Okay, kid.  Lay it on me.

Religious Conservative:  Okay, so, remember the first time you retired, and then you tried to play baseball, and you weren’t so good at it?

Michael Jordan:  Technically, I was still a lot better at it than most people, but yeah, compared to the guys who play major-league baseball, I guess I wasn’t so hot.  Oh well, live and learn.  What about it?

Religious Conservative:  Well, doesn’t the fact that you ever made a single mistake about anything mean that everything you believe is false and everything I believe is true?  You know, like how the fact that a few British scientists in 1912 got fooled by Piltdown Man means that science is wrong about everything else too?

Michael Jordan:  I don’t see why that would be the case — even if I’m not 100% right, it’s not like the only other possible option is the stuff it says in your book.  Besides, in addition to all the convincing stats and achievements from my legendary career, which I guess you just never learned about, you also just watched me beat you pretty badly with your own eyes.   

Religious Conservative:  The Devil is clever and has many tricks that seem convincing.

Michael Jordan:  And by “the Devil” you mean… people who believe that I, Michael Jordan, am better at basketball than you, some random kid who barely even knows how to play?

Religious Conservative:  Yes, exactly.  And all arguments that can be made to this effect are merely his lies.

Michael Jordan:  I see.  So you’ve found a system whereby all extremely strong evidence that you’re wrong is magically transformed into extremely strong evidence that you’re right?  That sounds a lot more “clever” than any trick this “Devil” of yours is using.  How do you respond to that?

Religious Conservative:  I don’t have to respond to that, and honestly, we shouldn’t even be thinking about it.  Such things are supposed to remain mysterious.

Michael Jordan:  Oh well, I guess if it’s supposed to remain mysterious, that shuts me up.  What else you got?

Religious Conservative:  Well, some scienti—  I mean, some sportswriters say that Bill Russell is the best player ever.

Michael Jordan:  That’s true.  He was incredible, there’s no doubt about that.

Religious Conservative:  So, doesn’t the fact that sportswriters don’t all agree with each other prove that anything anyone ever says about basketball is complete bullshit, and that they’re all just guessing, which means that their opinions are no better than this book I found that says I’m the best player ever?

Michael Jordan:  Not really.  I mean, different sportswriters just choose to emphasize different things.  The game was different in Bill’s day, and he was primarily a defensive player — a pioneer who invented modern defensive ball.  In a way, you could say we’re both the best player ever — it just depends on what you’re looking at.  You know, like how Newtonian gravitation and the post-Einstein universe of electromagnetism, weak force, and strong force both hold up to testing even though they contradict each other.

Religious Conservative:  Exactly.  And that proves that this book I found, which some random guy wrote off the top of his head 6,000 years before basketball was even invented must also be true at the same time, even though it contradicts what the sportswriters say.

Michael Jordan:  No offense, but I really don’t think you know enough about basketball to make a claim like that.

Religious Conservative:  What?  How do you figure?

Michael Jordan:  Well, a couple of minutes ago, you tried to call a double dribble on me while you were in possession of the ball.  And then you put the ball on the ground and started kicking it around like you were playing soccer.  Then after you tripped over it and the ball rolled into a parked car and set off the alarm, you put both your arms in the air and yelled “touchdown!”

Religious Conservative:  Exactly.  The fact that I don’t understand how basketball works proves that it doesn’t make any sense. 

Michael Jordan:  Well, have you ever tried to learn the rules?  It would only take you a few minutes.

Religious Conservative:  I DON’T HAVE TO LEARN HOW BASKETBALL WORKS AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!!

Michael Jordan:  Well, you’re right there — I guess I can’t make you do anything.  But it seems like, since you appear to be so interested in arguing about it, you would want to learn how it works.

Religious Conservative:  Are you kidding?  That’s the last thing I would want to do!  If I actually learned how basketball works, then I would just end up understanding the fact that it does make sense and that you are better at it than me.  But since I believe that I’m better at it than you, I have to keep refusing to learn how it works, because that’s the only way I can keep believing that.

Michael Jordan:  Well, why is it so important to you to keep believing that, if deep down you already suspect that it’s not true?

Religious Conservative:  Because this book says that if I stop believing it, I’ll go to Hell.

Michael Jordan:  But if you’re already secretly pretty sure that the stuff in it about you being better than me at basketball isn’t true — which you obviously are sure of, otherwise you wouldn’t be so scared to learn how basketball works — then what makes you think you’d still believe that the stuff in it about you having to go to Hell if you admit that I’m better than you is true?  Besides, if the guy who wrote this book is so smart, then why would he require you to believe a bunch of stuff that’s obviously not true in the first place, or mandate such a horrible punishment for you if you stop believing it?  It doesn’t make any sense.  Say, are you sure your book says you’ll go to Hell if you stop believing that you’re better than me at basketball?  Maybe you just misunderstood.  Show me where it says that.

Religious Conservative:  Well, the thing is…

Michael Jordan:  What?  It’s okay, son.  You can tell #23.

Religious Conservative:  Okay.  The thing is, the book doesn’t actually say I have to believe I’m better than you at basketball.  I kind of just chose to assume it did.  I mean, it does say some stuff that could be about basketball — but then again, that stuff might just be a story that’s meant to be taken as a metaphor about something completely different.

Michael Jordan:  Are you serious?!  Then why on Earth would you go and mess up your head by interpreting it that way? 

Religious Conservative:  A lot of reasons, I guess.  For starters, my parents interpret it that way, and I love my parents.  They haven’t had easy lives, and they did a lot for me.  I figure it’s more important to please them than to please some sportswriter I don’t even know.

Michael Jordan:  But it’s not just about who you please.  It’s about the truth.  Besides, don’t you think your parents might be proud of you if you learned to actually shoot the ball instead of just kicking it into parked cars?

Religious Conservative:  Well, that’s the other thing.  The fact is, I’ve been pretending to know less about basketball than I really do.  I basically know the rules, and I tried playing when I was younger, but I wasn’t very good.  To tell you the truth, I’m not very good at anything.  And when you’re growing up, being good at stuff and getting noticed is so important, and everybody loves basketball, and then I found this book that could sort of be twisted to say that people who suck at basketball are actually better at basketball than people who are good at basketball.  I wasn’t sure about it at first, but then I started hanging out with all these people who really seemed to believe it, and then I felt better.  I’d never felt better in my life, actually.  We all protested at this one basketball game, and it was on the local news, and people were coming up to me like “Hey, I saw you on TV.”  It was awesome.  I mean, if I’m being honest with myself, I know I can’t argue with the fact that the score was 122-0 after two-and-a-half minutes, but if I let myself admit that you’re right, then I’m back to being a nobody.  And being a nobody is what I’m more afraid of than anything, and it’s so easy to keep that from happening — all I have to do is just keep saying that you’re wrong no matter what happens, no matter how crazy I know it is, and get together with all these people who all say the same thing, and presto, I’m special.  And there’re enough of us now that when there’s stuff about us on the news they never say we’re wrong, because then we’d all stop watching and their ratings would go down.  Everybody’s so careful to say that my opinion is just as good as anyone else’s that sometimes, here and there, I actually believe that I’m the best basketball player who ever lived.  And it’s just the best feeling ever.  Now that I’ve had a taste of it, I don’t know if I could live without it. 

Michael Jordan:  Well, I definitely know how good it feels to be respected and admired, and to have people pay attention to you, and I know I’m really lucky to have been able to earn those things by being good at something in real life, instead of just allowing myself to pretend I am — but do you really want to have to force yourself to believe something that isn’t true in order to feel that way?  And what about all the people whose heads you’re messing up by spreading this stuff, just so you can feel better?  That’s not very holy.

Religious Conservative:  I know.  But that’s easy for you to say.  You don’t know how it feels to not be good at anything. 

Michael Jordan:  I don’t buy that.  I realize you have a problem, but you’re just like any other addict.  You deserve my sympathy and my help, but only if you make a genuine effort to help yourself, instead of victimizing the rest of the world to feed your addiction. 

Religious Conservative:  Michael?  There’s something else I should tell you.

Michael Jordan:  What is it?

Religious Conservative:  There’ll be some other people showing up later.  A lot of them.  And they’ll be chanting and carrying signs and screaming that anyone who believes that you’re better at basketball than I am is going to Hell.  And I’ll probably be with them.  I’m sorry.

Michael Jordan:  I’m sorry too, kid.  I’m glad I’m not in your shoes.

Religious Conservative:  So it’s the shoes?

Michael Jordan:  No, kid.  It’s not the shoes.  It’s you.    

Part Two:  A Relativist Liberal vs. Michael Jordan

Michael Jordan:  Well, that was one conversation I’m glad I don’t have to have every day.  I’ll just shoot around for a few more minutes, and then try to get out of here before all of that kid’s lunatic friends show up — you know, them, or some other, philosophically distinct type of lunatic.

Relativist Liberal:  So, what, do you think you’re good at basketball or something?

Michael Jordan:  That was quick.  Okay, yes, I think I’m good at basketball.  For some crazy reason, this is the impression that I, Michael Jordan, got from somewhere.

Relativist Liberal:  Well, my ex-boyfriend Josh thought he was good at basketball too, and he sucked, so that means that you suck too.

Michael Jordan:  No, I’m actually good.

Relativist Liberal:  Yeah, like I said — you think you’re good, just like my ex-boyfriend Josh.  Men always think they’re good at basketball.

Michael Jordan:  Yes, a lot of men think that, and I can see how that would be annoying, but in my case, I happen to be right.

Relativist Liberal:  Exactly.  My ex-boyfriend Josh also thought he was right about being good at basketba—

Michael Jordan:  Let me stop you here for a second.  What you are apparently failing to consider is the possibility that although, yes, many people think that they are good at basketball, some of those people are right, and actually are good at basketball.

Relativist Liberal:  I don’t have to believe you’re good at basketball just because you say so!

Michael Jordan:  No, of course you don’t.  I’m not asking you to believe it because I say so.  You can simply watch me play basketball, and see for yourself.

Relativist Liberal:  I don’t have to watch you play basketball just because you say so!

Michael Jordan:  Well, if you actually care about resolving this debate, it seems like you would want to.

Relativist Liberal:  You can’t make me watch you play basketball!

Michael Jordan:  (sigh…)  Here we go again with “you can’t make me.”  Is the next dipshit who comes along going to tell me that today is Opposite Day?

Relativist Liberal:  For me, every day is Opposite Day. 

Michael Jordan:  I don’t doubt it.  But since you apparently don’t know who I am, and have never seen me play, then you must realize that you’re arguing about a phenomenon you have never investigated — and I would imagine that you consider yourself to be more philosophically rigorous than that guy who was here earlier. 

Relativist Liberal:  Fine!  But what if, after I watch you play basketball, it is my opinion that you are not good at basketball?

Michael Jordan:  Well…  Honestly, in that case I think you would be obliged to seriously consider the possibility that the problem lies with your ability to ascertain whether or not someone is good at basketball.

Relativist Liberal:  I HAVE THE RIGHT TO MY OPINION!  ARE YOU CALLING ME STUPID?!

Michael Jordan:  I didn’t want to, but you’re not giving me much of a choice here.

Relativist Liberal:  Well, if you claim to be so good at basketball, and it is still possible for me to be of the opinion that you are not good at basketball, then doesn’t that just prove that there is actually no such thing as basketball?

Michael Jordan:  Uh…  What?

Relativist Liberal:  You only think that there is such a thing as basketball because we live in a culture that is controlled by people who think that there is such a thing as basketball.

Michael Jordan:  How do you figure?

Relativist Liberal:  Well, isn’t it true that we live in a culture that is controlled by people who think that there is such a thing as basketball?

Michael Jordan:  Well, yes, but…

Relativist Liberal:  See?  There you go.

Michael Jordan:  …but there is such a thing as basketball!

Relativist Liberal:  Ugh!  You obviously weren’t paying attention when I was talking about culture just now.  If the majority of people in a culture believe something, that proves it’s not true!

Michael Jordan:  But the majority of people in our culture believe that two plus two is four, and that’s true.

Relativist Liberal:  Are you saying I’m bad at math because I’m a woman?!

Michael Jordan:  No!  I was just offering an example…

Relativist Liberal:  Because you think you know everything because you’re a man?

Michael Jordan:  Are you just going to say that every time I come up with a valid counterargument to one of your claims?

Relativist Liberal:  Of course I am.  That’s how you get tenure.

Michael Jordan:  Fine.  Well, remind me why there’s no such thing as basketball again…?

Relativist Liberal:  Because it is your opinion that you are good at basketball, but it is possible for me to disagree.

Michael Jordan:  I guess.  But it’s possible for anybody to believe anything.

Relativist Liberal:  Exactly.  This is because there’s no such thing as truth.

Michael Jordan:  How does that follow?  Couldn’t it be the case that there is such a thing as the truth, but some people are just wrong?

Relativist Liberal:  YOU ARE EXACTLY THE SAME AS HITLER!!  YOU OBVIOUSLY WANT TO KILL EVERYONE WHO DOESN’T AGREE WITH THE TOTALLY SUBJECTIVE OPINION THAT YOU ARE GOOD AT BASKETBALL!!

Michael Jordan:  What?  That’s crazy, and I’m deeply insulted.  I’m nothing like Hitler.

Relativist Liberal:  Sure you are.  You are asserting that you are good at basketball, right?

Michael Jordan:  Well…  Yeah.

Relativist Liberal:  And that means you think that anyone who doesn’t think you are good at basketball is wrong, right? 

Michael Jordan:  I guess.  I mean, it’s kind of news to me that there are people who don’t think I’m good at basketball, but yeah, sure, I guess I would say that those people are wrong.

Relativist Liberal:  Well then, that means you think that you are in sole possession of the truth, which means that you think that everyone who disagrees with you is inferior, which means that you are obviously only waiting for an opportunity to kill them all.

Michael Jordan:  But the assertion that people who make absolute assertions consider those who disagree to be intellectually inferior and are therefore themselves morally inferior is itself an absolute assertion, which means that you yourself are both intellectually inferior because your claim is self-negating and morally inferior because to the extent that it is not self-negating it impugns you to no lesser an extent than it does those against whom you level it!

Relativist Liberal:  But the claim that one should refrain from making claims is not in fact a claim itself, but rather the utter absence of claim-function, and only appears to be itself a claim because as imperfect beings bound by the necessity of expressing ourselves through the symbolic order we have no choice but to express absences as presences in order to call attention to them as concepts!  The claim that one should refrain from making claims is only a claim to the same extent that zero is a number.  If the claim that one should not make claims is not in fact the opposite of the claim that one should make claims, then what is?

Michael Jordan:  Hey, now you're just affirming the consequent!  My initial claim was not that all people should make absolute claims in all cases, but was rather only the specific claim that I am good at basketball.  True, the warrant upholding this claim could coherently have been “all people should make absolute claims in all cases,” but also could just as easily have been “it is permissible for some people to make absolute claims in some cases,” which is the same warrant that underlies your claim about not making claims, and structurally supersedes the purely circumstantial facts about said claim’s being numenologically an absence.  Besides, the second you call attention to this supposed absence of claimness, you are causing it to exhibit definite properties, which means the game is up.  You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Relativist Liberal:  Did you just tell me I’m not allowed to eat cake?  Because I choose to believe that this is a form of rape.

Relativist Liberal:  Nope.  Let’s see now, Space Jam…  So, what is that, about how some almighty penis saves the universe by shooting its precious “jam” everywhere or something?

Michael Jordan:  Absolutely not!  Do you really think Bugs Bunny would have involved himself with a project like that?

Relativist Liberal:  Well, I bet I can still write an essay where I “prove” that that’s what it’s about.  Tenure, here I come!

Michael Jordan:  Listen, even if Space Jam had been about some almighty penis saving the universe by spooging all over the place — which it most certainly was not — Walt Whitman used that same metaphor like a thousand times and you like him fine.  Maybe I’ll just bring this up at your peer-review session.

Relativist Liberal:  Go right ahead.  You’ll just be setting me up to get a huge laugh by saying “Do I contradict myself?  Very well then I contradict myself.”

Michael Jordan:  Crap.  You’re right. 

Relativist Liberal:  So you agree that there’s no such thing as basketball?

Michael Jordan:  No!  For the millionth time, that doesn’t make any sense!

Relativist Liberal:  Basketball is a game with totally subjective rules that could just as easily have been different that was invented by humans.  That proves it’s not real.

Michael Jordan:  Well, yes, it’s true that the game of basketball was invented by humans, but that doesn’t prove that the idea that I am good at it is subjective.

Relativist Liberal:  Why not?

Michael Jordan:  Because, although the rules of basketball are subjective, skill at the game still corresponds to biological facts.  It is a fact that I am tall, it is a fact that I can jump really high, and it is a fact that I have insanely good visual acuity, reflexes, and coordination.  Basketball may be a made-up game, but the skills that make someone good at it are biological facts.  I mean, humans invented the concept of music too, but that doesn’t mean that the talent of Mozart or the Beatles was an illusion.

Relativist Liberal:  Aha!  I win!

Michael Jordan:  What?  Why do you win?  I thought all the stuff I just said was pretty sharp.

Relativist Liberal:  Are you kidding me?  You just listed a bunch of things that make you good at basketball, but which are true of you and not equally true of everyone else!  That proves that the concept of basketball is biased, which proves that it doesn’t really exist.

Michael Jordan:  What?  That’s crazy!

Relativist Liberal:  Maybe, but believing something crazy will get you tenure a lot faster than believing that something can be biased and true at the same time.

Michael Jordan:  Look, it’s true that some people are better at basketball than others, for reasons that they can’t control, but I think I have a problem with the word biased.  Doesn’t ascribing bias to something imply that the thing has a conscious mind, which, either intentionally or due to philosophical negligence, wills ill to someone?  I mean, are you saying that, off in some ideal realm somewhere, the concept of basketball has a mind, and is fooling itself into thinking that I am good at it, because it has insufficiently examined its own motives?

Relativist Liberal:  Of course not.  I don’t believe that there’s an “ideal” anything.

Michael Jordan:  Great, because I can totally turn that around on you.  It may be purely arbitrary happenstance that there’s such a thing as basketball, but it’s also purely arbitrary happenstance that there’s such a thing as human beings in the first place.  But human beings are what happened, and basketball is a game that we happened to invent, and due to the fact that these things happen to be what happened, it is 100% accurate to say that I am good at basketball.  It didn’t have to be the case that human beings and basketball existed, but we do and it does.

Relativist Liberal:  Well, you may be good at basketball according to historical truth, but there are many different types of truth — like the truth of that guy who was here a little while ago.

Michael Jordan:  What?!  That kid with the book?  You’re defending him?  That’s weird — I thought you were the complete opposite of him.

Relativist Liberal:  In many ways, yes.  But the thing is, you are good at something.  And since I don’t believe that there is such a thing as being good at something, I have to take his side against you.

Michael Jordan:  That seems kind of counterproductive to me.  And besides, if you really don’t believe that there’s such a thing as being good at something, then how do you know who you’re supposed to oppose?  I think it’s kind of suspicious that, even though you supposedly think that all skill is a socially constructed illusion, you still somehow manage to zero in your criticisms on all the people you would think were skilled if you didn’t believe that.  Plus, you’re not even doing this with any consistency — I mean, the women who play in the WNBA are good at basketball too, so why aren’t you criticizing them?

Relativist Liberal:  Ooh!  That reminds me, I’m supposed to yell at you for not watching WNBA games.

Michael Jordan:  But I do watch WNBA games!

Relativist Liberal:  I don’t have to believe that you watch WNBA games just because you say so!

Michael Jordan:  Don’t start with that again.  Say, do you watch the WNBA yourself?

Relativist Liberal:  Me?  Hell, no.  It’s boring.  I just like to yell at everyone else for not watching it.

Michael Jordan:  But if you don’t watch it yourself, then why do you have the right to yell at everyone else for not watching it?

Relativist Liberal:  Because I present myself as the type of person who would watch it.  It just so happens that I don’t, because it’s boring.

Michael Jordan:  Does that explanation have something to do with one of your alternate types of truth?

Relativist Liberal:  Maybe.

Michael Jordan:  Okay, so if I started going around telling people that you killed somebody, and you got understandably upset about this, and came up to me like “Hey, why are you going around telling people that I killed somebody when I didn’t?”, and I was like “Well, the idea that you never killed anybody may be true according to historical truth, but there are many different types of truth, and according to the type of truth with which I choose to order my life, you did kill somebody,” you would be cool with that?

Relativist Liberal:  You’re not allowed to do that.

Michael Jordan:  Okay.  Why not?

Relativist Liberal:  Because you’re famous and good at stuff, whereas me and that other guy are losers who suck, so the other types of truth can only be used by us to annoy you, and not by you to annoy us.

Michael Jordan:  Did you just openly admit that the whole point was to annoy me?  Damn, at least that other guy has the defense of being nuts.  Oh, and speaking of which…

Relativist Liberal:  What is it?

Michael Jordan:  Here he comes now, with all his friends, ready to protest.

Relativist Liberal:  What are they protesting?

Michael Jordan:  Well, sportswriters say that I’m better than basketball than them, and they have some magic book they found that says they’re better at basketball than me, so they’re holding a protest.

Relativist Liberal:  Great!  I’ll call up my friends, and have a counterprotest.

Michael Jordan:  Who will you be protesting against?

Relativist Liberal:  Both of you.  You both think you’re right, and that the other is wrong, which means you’re both wrong, because you’re both right.  All people who think they’re right should always be told they’re wrong, because everyone is right. 

Michael Jordan:  But you’ll be saying that both of us are wrong, so doesn’t that mean that you’re wrong?

Relativist Liberal:  No, because we only believe that you’re wrong because we believe that everyone is right, because there’s no such thing as the truth.  That’s what educated people believe.

Michael Jordan:  Well, if educated people believe that there’s no such thing as the truth, then how can there even be such a thing as education?  If nothing is true, then what’s the point of college?

Relativist Liberal:  The point of college is pretending to be a lesbian for four years, silly.

Michael Jordan:  That’s it?  Damn.  No wonder the NBA only makes you go for one.