Thing I Will Ever Say about the Tired Subject of
PUAs vs. Feminists
I recently turned 35.
That’s not old, but it also isn’t young.
For a writer, I think it’s a good time to
confront the possibility that
you will spend your entire life saying the same thing over and over,
take steps to make sure that doesn’t happen.
So I’ve decided to take a look at the subjects
I tend to revisit again
and again, and ask myself, not “what additional
thing can I say about this?”, but rather “what final
thing can I say about this?”
And it seemed like a good subject to put to
bed first would be the one
that everybody is the most sick of hearing about.
So I will now
conclusively resolve the issue of PUAs vs.
Feminists, and then nobody on the internet will have to write anything
this ever again. You’re
That’s really the problem
with the internet, by the
way. Back when
writers wrote books, you
could write a book about something, and then that was your book about
thing and you were free to write another book about something else. Now that writers have
blogs about particular
subjects, you have to keep writing about that subject regularly, as
endlessly. If you
ever actually figure
out anything conclusive about it, you’ve put yourself out of a job. Not the kind of job where
you get money, of
course, but the kind of job where you get attention.
And since nobody pays attention to me anyway,
I’m free to do what the rest of the internet is scared to do: resolve
stupidest, most endless culture-wide flame war of the past decade in a
sentence. Are you
ready? Here it is:
PUAs take an obvious,
undeniable kernel of truth and blow it
psychotically out of proportion, and then feminists respond by denying
kernel of truth is true.
it. We’re done here. Go back to any blog post
or message board you’ve
ever seen that degenerated into a comment war so protracted it would
weeks to read, and you will find that the matter is utterly resolved by
single sentence contained in the above paragraph.
Are women attracted to
confident guys? Yes,
but that’s not a big deal, and everyone
already knew it anyway, so who cares, shut up.
PUAs, stop pretending that “confident”
actually means “psychopathic.” Feminists,
stop pretending that women actually
prefer stumbling dorks.
Are most women sexually
submissive in their private
lives? Yes, but
that’s not a big deal, and
everyone already knew it anyway, so who cares, shut up.
PUAs, stop pretending that liking to get
handcuffed actually means women secretly want to not be allowed to have
stop pretending that
all women are actually dominatrixes.
Do women like money?
Well, who doesn’t
money? Have you
ever met anyone, male or
female, gay or straight, who was like “eww, money, get it away from me,
I had less of it?” Seriously,
hell? I might add
that it is also
technically true that Black people like fried chicken, because Black
human beings and all human beings like fried chicken.
Some other things that are true are that
people drink water, Canadians breathe oxygen, and Presbyterians will
reflexively pull their hands away from a hot stove.
Here is how
self-evidently asinine these “debates” would
look if they were about anything
PUAs: Many people enjoy going to
see horror movies,
so there is no logical way to deny that
people will like it if we sneak into
their houses dressed as Jason, hide in the closet, and
then jump out
about to go to bed!
Feminists: Nobody enjoys horror
That was good, right?
See what I did there?
PUAs: Most people like pizza, so
that means if we start
tackling random people on the street
and shoving entire pizzas
up their asses,
we are doing what naturally needs to be done,
and everyone else is just
to say so because of political correctness!
Feminists: There is not even such a
thing as pizza! You
only think there is such a thing as
because of the media!
I could keep going pretty
much indefinitely with these — and to
be honest, part of me wants to — but I understand that your time is
limited. Suffice it
to say that they would all be
variations on the general theme of:
PUAs: Obvious and utterly
observation, so therefore insane conclusion!
Feminists: Sweeping denial of obvious
And also hilarious,
naturally. But the
goal here is to be permanently done
talking about this, and at this point I almost am.
But first I have to resolve the ongoing
brouhaha over whether the stupid minor things these people argue about
stupid, minor, and biological, or stupid, minor, and cultural in origin. And the answer to that
question is that
everybody who actually knows anything about biology or sociology
regarding the question of “nature vs. nurture” as a false dilemma about
years ago. And that, my friends, is how you write a
paragraph where every sentence
begins with a conjunction and nobody even notices until you point it
How is “nature vs.
nurture” a false dilemma? Well,
let’s return to our horror movie and
pizza examples. There
are proven and
explicable biological processes at work that cause us to get a sort of
high from deliberately watching fake scary things, and yet if you went
time 700 years and showed people a horror movie, they would literally
insane, because their understanding of science wouldn’t allow them to
what they were encountering. It
safe bet that we aren’t being tricked into liking pizza by the media,
buds are a part of your body and therefore pretty damn biological, and
you brought a pizza to that tiny island in the Indian Ocean that nobody
study because the people there kill you with arrows, it would make them
and also they would kill you with arrows.
You can always come up
with a way to say something is
biological, and you can always come up with a way to say that something
cultural, and assuming that neither of the explanations is stupid (it
can’t be cultural
that we think poop smells bad, or biological that we wear green and get
on March 17th), they’re probably both true. And does the fact that
something is strongly
linked to biology mean that there’s something “wrong with” the people
true of? No. I don’t like horror
movies, and I knew this one
guy in high school who didn’t like pizza.
Who gives a shit?
Most of the
girls I’ve dated have been submissive in bed, and a couple of them have
been dominant. Once
again, who gives a shit?
Am I alleging that
nothing PUAs say is valuable? No.
They say a bunch of things that are valuable. Here are all of them: stand up straight, act
like you like
yourself, don’t beat yourself up over rejection, do something funny
and then, look people in the eye but not too much, touch people when it
like they want you to, give people cutesy little pop-psychology tests
what kind of person they are that actually don’t mean anything, and
red. You will
notice that none of these is specific to the Secret Crazy Psychology of
Women, but rather
that all are generally
applicable to the Fairly Obvious Psychology of People.
They will work if you are a straight man
talking to a woman, a straight woman talking to a man, a gay man
another man, a gay woman talking to another woman, or Morrissey being
So, that’s it. That
is all that needs to be said about PUAs vs. Feminists, and now I’m done. I never need to say
anything else about this,
because whether it’s tomorrow, next month, or in ten years, you will be
sufficiently address any argument along these lines by posting a link
essay. Will anybody
listen? Of course
not. This is
because the people who are on blogs
and message boards arguing about this stuff are 24, and they are not
about this stuff because they’re actually trying to conclude anything,
but rather because
arguing about this stuff is fun when you’re 24.
But I’m not 24.
I’m 35. And