A Brief but Necessary Logical Point about Vaginas

        3/10/13

Like most of you, I’m on Facebook.  And like most of you, I’ve joined a lot of those group pages that just exist to put pictures into your feed.  You know, like “I Love Redheads.”  Or “I Love Geeky Redheads.”  Or “I Love Left-Handed Dyslexic Redheads with Degrees in Engineering.”

You get the idea.

Anyway, there’s something I’ve found myself having to explain over and over in the comments on pages like that, and I’m sick of typing the same thing again and again, so I’m putting it in the form of an essay, so that from now on I can just put a link to this in the comments.  (Yes, that’s my life — I pick fights in Facebook threads so often that I need to take proactive steps to streamline the process.)  If you’re starting to get sick of explaining the same thing, then by all means, feel free to post links to this essay yourself.

On any one of those Facebook group pages that just posts constant pictures of hot women, eventually one of the moderators will post a SFW glamour shot of a porn star.  And whenever that happens, approximately half of the 847 comments the picture subsequently receives will be from guys helpfully pointing out that her vagina is loose — these civic-minded caveats can take the form of an analogy about how sex with the porn star (or allegedly promiscuous celebrity) in question would be “like sticking your dick out the window,” or “like throwing a hotdog down a hallway,” or just a simple, elegant “WUD NOT FUCK 2 LOOS LOL!!!!”

So here’s the thing I’m sick of explaining:  No it wouldn’t, no-one’s vagina is “loose,” and you’re an idiot.

The psychological impetus for this tragically persistent meme isn’t hard to suss out: there are a lot of people — mostly men, of course, with the occasional vindictively prudish woman thrown in — who would very much like there to be a female distaff of the “small penis” condemnation (as if every single other part of a woman’s body were not already under at least as much judgmental scrutiny as the male penis), and for that condemnation to be the result of (socially unacceptable) female behavior, rather than genetics.  Even though there is considerable genetic variance among all parts of the bodies of both genders — which would necessarily include vaginal tightness — you never really hear any women get accused of having been born with genetically loose vaginas, do you?  It is always framed as the supposed result of promiscuity.

And that’s the part that makes even less sense.  Promiscuity — as in how many different men she has slept with, rather than how many times she has had sex.

I’ll concede that the idea of a vagina getting “worn out” through usage, as though it were a cassette tape or a pair of shoes, does make a sort of hazily plausible initial sense — that is, if you don’t possess even the modest smattering of biological knowledge required to understand that it is a muscle, and that muscles get exactly the opposite of “worn out” through usage (a gymnast, for example, can bend that way because her or his muscles are better than yours, not worse).  But the little bit of sense it appears to make at first — that tiny bit of intuitive non-ridiculousness that almost makes you want to forgive someone for believing this — is quashed utterly by the fact that no-one who believes it ever stops to think about the fact that women in relationships have sex far more regularly than even the most promiscuous of single women, so logically you should be going around calling married women “loose,” you idiot.

This is the part where you say that porn stars have a ridiculous amount of sex.  And now this is the part where I say “No, they don’t.”  Even a fairly prolific porn actress shoots maybe three or four times a month at most (when you go to a porn star’s IMDB page and it says she’s been in 400 movies, most of those are repackagings of older scenes).  In other words, a porn actress has far less sex than a regular woman with a boyfriend has.

Okay, forget porn stars.  What about women who sleep around a lot in their private lives?  Well, how much sleeping around are we talking about?  A hypothetical woman who has 50 one-night stands with 50 different guys in a single year is having sex at a rate of slightly less than once a week — once again, that’s less sex than a woman with a boyfriend has.  If you really believe that penises can permanently “loosen” vaginas, then why on earth would it make a difference whether it’s a bunch of different penises once each or the same penis over and over?

If you’re about to say that porn stars and promiscuous women are always sleeping with guys who have larger than average penises, okay — suppose there’s a woman who’s only ever been with one guy, and been in a monogamous relationship with him for years, but that guy happens to have a large penis.  I’ve never heard anyone scream “LOOSE” about a woman who’s in a monogamous relationship, even if they know for a fact that her boyfriend has a big dick. 

For christ’s sake, any number of men have slept with women who’ve had kids and not noticed anything perceptibly amiss.  So if you’re about to tell me how big your dick is, don’t bother, because I already know it’s not as big as a baby.  If you honestly believe that a bunch of dicks can have a more noticeable and permanent effect on a woman’s anatomy than delivering an actual freaking baby can, be advised that the only way this could make sense is if the Promiscuity Fairy is flying around making vaginas loose as punishment by sprinkling enchanted loose-vagina dust.

All kidding aside, that is basically exactly what you think.  I am being 100% serious when I say that the only logically consistent explanation for a thing you believe to be true is magic.

This is the part where, if you are an unfathomable dipshit, you jump up and say “But I’ve had sex with a bunch of girls, and all the slutty ones were loose, and all the inexperienced ones were tight!”  Well, although I hate you, technically that’s true.  But not for the reason you think it is.

Like absolutely every other muscle group in the body, vaginas clench up when you’re tense.  Women who haven’t had a lot of sex tend to be more nervous during sex, whereas women who are more sexually experienced aren’t nervous about it.  So what you’re actually experiencing there is the result of how tense or relaxed the woman is at that specific moment, rather than how “tight” or “loose” her vagina is all the time.  There is also — once again, like with every other muscle group in the body — a tendency for the muscles around the vagina to loosen as the woman ages.  And since the number of men a woman has slept with tends to go up rather than down as she ages (since, you know, time moves forward instead of backward), it will on average be the case that 18-year-old women have tighter vaginas than 35-year-old women.  But that’s just because of their ages, and not how many respective partners they’ve had.

Oh, and regardless of any of this, vaginas loosen when the woman is turned on.  So basically, when you talk about how a girl was “tight,” you are bragging about your utter inability to arouse her sexually.  Congratulations.

In conclusion, what would be nice is if I didn’t get a thousand poorly-spelled comments from goons in baseball caps about how I am scared of women and only saying this to try and get laid.  I’m not saying the idea that promiscuity loosens vaginas is not true in order to curry favor with some particular corner of the internet — I’m saying it’s not true because it obviously can’t possibly be true if you think about it for longer than five seconds.  What other justification do I need?