So just a few days now
and no
more George W. Bush, and
hopefully things will be smooth enough for a while that 1585 can stop
writing
about politicians by name and get back to our primary agenda of
reducing complex
social phenomena to Star Wars
analogies and trying to persuade chicks to wear those tights that have
spider-webs
on them even when it isn’t Hallowe’en.
But first, a brief
(by
our
standards) word about how Bush is
going out.I’m
sure a lot of you saw
this clip from a few weeks back, where Bush admitted — in a
disturbingly cavalier
fashion, no less — that the Bible is not literally true.
And some of
you may have been
wondering whether this makes
us — or atheists in general — like him any better. I
can’t speak
for all atheists, but for my
part the answer is no.
It
doesn’t make me like him any better and,
in fact, it makes me hate him significantly
more.
Why’s that, you ask?Didn’t
I already hate him as much as I
possibly could?Well,
no, actually.Because
there’s only so much you can hate
someone who you just think is retarded.Someone
who’s pretending
to be
retarded in order to take advantage of people who are actually
retarded,
however, is another matter.
Who
thought of it first?
So, Bush
doesn’t
believe after all that God directly
intervenes in human affairs?
Okay,
well,
that makes him slightly smarter than I thought he was. Of
course, it also means that when he said he
believed God would protect American soldiers in Iraq, he was just
lying, and
knew there would be heavy casualties, and didn’t care. So,
congratulations on the 10 extra IQ
points, and uncongratulations on being an even bigger evil
bastard.
And why is Bush talking like
people have made all these
baseless assumptions about him out of nowhere, and it was all just a
big
misunderstanding?“Well if you’re religious,
therefore you
must think that you were picked
out of all the people on the face of the Earth to become president.”No,
actually.No,
people
didn’t assume you believed that
because you’re
religious.People
assumed you believed
that because you said you did, over and over.
“Does
God talk to you?”“No, I
quit drinkin’!”Ha,
ha!!It’s
funny that people would actually think
that you think that God actually talks to you!Why
the heck would people think you think that?Oh,
right, you said you
did.Constantly.In
the most unambiguous,
self-important manner
imaginable.For
several years.In
front of the whole world.
And
did I hear the word
“proof” in there at the end when
evolution came up?So
the jury is back,
then?Funny, I
don’t remember Bush ever
leaning smugly over a podium and announcing that the jury had ceased
deliberations and found in favor of evolution.All
I remember is him leaning smugly over a podium
and announcing that
it was still out.
I
also remember Steve
Bitterman, the Iowa professor who was
fired in 2007 for saying Genesis isn’t literally true; Paul
Mirecki, the Kansas
professor who was stalked, jumped and beaten in 2005 for saying Genesis
isn’t
literally true; and Chris Comer, the Texas state science curriculum
director
who was fired — at the behest of Lizzette Reynolds, an adviser
to Bush in his Texas Governor days and later a Dept. of Education appointee — in
2007 for forwarding
an e-mail about a lecture
by
someone who said that Genesis
isn’t literally true.And
I remember thinking
it
would be nice if
the president knew that Genesis isn’t literally true, so he
could tell all the
people who were doing stuff like this in his name to stop.
Turns
out he did
know, and he
just didn’t feel
like telling
them to stop.
The
three incidents I
just
related, you may have noticed,
all took place during Bush’s second
term, when he didn’t need to worry about reelection anymore.Not
that this would have
made a good excuse,
but in these cases it doesn’t even make a bad one.So
Bush’s
eleventh-hour revelation that he
knows perfectly well Creation is a load can’t simply be
explained away by
lameduckness.What does
explain it is
that, at this point, he has fucked everything up so bad that all he can
do is
come crawling to the smart people who write the history books on his
knees and
hope that we let him pass through to history as only the second- or
third-worst
president ever instead of the worst.
There’s
nothing more
he can do, so now he’s just jockeying
for historical position.Jockeying
for
historical position versus Buchanan and Hoover,
yes, but jockeying all the same.He’s
hoping that someday, someone will compose a sentence along the lines of
“To
his credit, in the closing weeks
of his
presidency he attempted to ease the nation’s religious
divisions by admitting
that the Bible is not literally true…”And
in case that someone is
reading this right now, I
must urge you: do not
ever compose that sentence.
Why
should you?Bush
isn’t attempting to ease jackshit.He
has nothing more to gain by kissing the asses of retards, so after
eight years
of shitting on smart people he is suddenly kissing our asses instead,
hoping at
least to effect a split decision in the Worst President Ever panel.If
he thought he could
help himself by saying
that the world was created seventeen minutes ago by a tap-dancing
giraffe, then
he would have said that instead.How
do
I know?Because,
apparently, that’s what
he has been doing the whole fucking time.Up
’til now, we were under the impression
that he actually swallowed his
own snake oil.Now
we know better.You
might as well say, “To
his credit,
he picked up five bucks that he saw lying on the ground.”
And
that’s how
he’s choosing to go out.After
not only presiding over, but to a great
extent causing,
the most divisive
period in American history since the Civil War, Bush is choosing to go
out as
neither uniter nor divider, neither slick neocon nor aw-shucks
paleocon,
neither bold Bring-It-On Guy nor cutesy Need-Some-Wood Guy.
He is choosing to go out as
Chris Tucker at the end of Friday:
But now
that we know the
truth,
the truth raises two
questions.
One, if even Bush
isn’t actually dumb
enough to believe in the literal
truth of the Bible, then sweet jumping fuck, how stupid does
someone have to be to believe it? And
two, exactly what percentage of Religious
Conservatives are secretly bullshitting about this stuff?
In
a poll about
Bush’s revelation on Sean Hannity’s website,
when given the options of a)
“I
agree with President Bush: I believe in the Bible, but
Genesis’s Creation is
probably not literal,” b)
“I
disagree with President Bush: I believe in the Bible and in a literal
Genesis
Creation,” and c)
“I totally
disagree with
President Bush:
the Bible is just a total lie,” 47% of respondentssaid
the first thing, 38%
the second, and 15%
the third.
Okay,
in a poll of the
general
population, these numbers
might not be that surprising.But
this
was hardly a poll of the general population.Or
even a poll of Republicans.This
was a poll of
people who are so
Republican that they are still hanging out on Sean Hannity’s
website as of
December 2008.That
is a degree of brand
loyalty on a par with the kid who sneaks out of his house in the middle
of the
night and rides his bike across the state line because he heard about a
store
that still carries Boo Berry
cereal.An even greater
degree,
actually, because
at
least Boo Berry
was good.
And
for that
demographic, the
numbers don’t add up.First
of all, 15% of the people who hang out
on Sean Hannity’s website are atheists?Huh?Well,
I guess that option as
phraseddoesn’t
actually specify not
believing in God — it just says the Bible is a “total
lie.”I
would assume that the folks who picked that
option are that kind of Conservative who’s a Libertarian
conspiracy theorist
and hence thinks everything
is a “total lie,” only
the last time I saw those
people they were chasing a self-crapping Sean Hannity through the
streets of New
Hampshire, so I doubt that a year later they’re frequenting
his chat room.
Ronpaul
Stomper
It’s a good
thing
that tiny blonde woman was there to
protect him.
Anyway, if not even 40% of
people who fuck around on
Hannity’s discussion boards are Creationists,
what’s up with all those stats
that claim over 50% of the general population are?Is
this one of those situations where a group
says one thing when it’s just them but another thing
publicly, like how whenever
there’s a Republican around the rest of us pretend to think
that rap music is
really meaningful?
But that’s just a
peripheral thing on our parts.Bible
shit is the Conservatives’ main
thing.At this
point, it’s basically
their only
thing.Seriously,
without
wacky religious stuff,
what have they even got anymore — believing that
doctors’ malpractice insurance
premiums are too high?
So
how many other
Conservatives
secretly know perfectly well
that religion is a load of crap?When,
say, James Dobson’s machine is finally in pieces, is he going
to turn around
and go “Yeah, well, I actually knew all along that there was
nothing wrong with
being gay.Sorry
the stuff I said
directly led to you being beaten with a pipe, but hey, Dobson gots to
get paid,
son.”
Believing
something doesn’t mean that you enjoy being associated with
the idea, or think
the idea is good for society, or get off on how the idea pisses off
people you
don’t like.It
means you actually think
it’s true.And not
true “for
you,” but true in the sense that when someone goes
“Okay,
we just built a machine that knows the right answer to every
conceivable
question, and we’re about to ask it whether Noah’s
Ark literally happened, only
you have to guess what it’s going to say, and if
you’re wrong it’s going to
shoot you in the face, so once and for all, did some guy literally build
a giant
boat and put two of every animal on it?” you actually say yes.
Over
half the people in
the U.S.claim
they would say
“yes” in that
situation.
And
the more I think
about it,
there is no fucking way that
the vast majority of them are not lying.
Now,
shouldn’t
that
make me feel better, you ask?I’ve
put so much time and energy into being
mad about how stupid everyone is, shouldn’t I be pleased to
find out that
people aren’t actually as stupid as I thought they were?
In
other words, instead
of
living in a country where more
than half the people are so stupid that they should not hold the legal
status
of adults, I live in a country where more than half the people are pretending
to be that stupid just
to piss me off...?Why
is that better?!And
why are they even
bothering to do
this?!What’s
the point?!
I
guess if you gave
these
people some kind of truth serum
they would say that they pretend to believe in religion because without
religion people would all just do what they want and society would fall
apart.But
if the person who says that
doesn’t even believe in religion themselves,
and they
aren’t doing
whatever they
want, then why do they think everyone else would?And
if most of “everyone else” also
don’t even believe it,
then
society doesn’t even currently
have
religion — society has pretending
to have religion!
So…If
religious
people secretly aren’t actually religious, and they admit
this around other
religious people, who also secretly aren’t actually
religious, and they all
only pretend to be religious around people who aren’t
religious, or rather,
people who admit
they
aren’t
religious, because actually no-one
is
religious, then…
Huh?!
So Bush
pretended to believe a bunch of loony religious shit to get votes from
people
who were also pretending to believe the same shit out of loyalty to
Bush?And then a
bunch of loony religious policies
got put into place that everybody secretly knew wouldn’t
work, out of fealty to
principles that they were all only pretending to have?How
are historians going to explain
this — ergot poisoning?
Okay.Obviously, some
religious people actually believe
it.The kind who
blow themselves up, for
example, are almost certainly not just messing with our heads.But
how many of those
people are there,
really?Clearly,
that’s variable
depending on what part of the world you’re in, so
let’s start with the U.S.In
America, according to
what people say out
loud, you’ve got roughly 10% who don’t
believe in God, 40% who believe
in God but that none or very little of the magic shit literally
happened, and
50% who believe in God and that most or all of the magic shit literally
happened.
Now,
how many of those
last two
groups actually believe what
they claim to believe?As
in, if their
lives depended on what they said being factually true? (Once
upon a time, I thought
the phrase “factually true”
was redundant…And then
one day people started
asking me, in all seriousness, what kind of truth I meant.)A
good chunk of the bottom
group have got to
have serious doubts about the magic shit, and a good chunk of the
middle group
have got to have serious doubts about God at all.But
hey, no-one wants to be in some tiny
minority, unless it’s one of the really good ones like
“billionaires” or
“people who have gotten to apply body lotion to Kate
Beckinsale.”
I’m
thinking, I’m thinking…
Sure, you
could argue that
“atheists” are one of the really
good minorities to belong to, since it means almost exactly the same
thing as
“really
smart people.”
But
maybe we shouldn’t be
arguing that way.
Not
because we’re not
actually smart…
But
because maybe
we’re not actually a minority.
If
I were strapped into
the
all-knowing face-shooting
machine, and asked whether I really believe that the majority of
Americans
really believe in God, would I say yes?Would
you?If
people were
incapable of lying, would atheists still be a minority?
Because
if the answer is
no,
then we’re going about this all
wrong.If somebody
secretly already
knows that evolution is true, for example, then it’s
pointless to spit all the
science at him — it’s not that he can’t understand
that we’re right; it’s that he can’t admit
we are.The issue
is actually why he
feels the need to lie.
Approaching
the problem
of
religion this way might be
beneficial in more ways than one.Many
passive atheists are passive only because they balk at the idea of
aggressively
opposing stupid people, because it’s not their fault that
they’re stupid…But
how would they feel about aggressively
opposing liars?How
can it not be
someone’s fault that they choose to lie?
Well,
they could be
nuts, I
guess.Wait,
you’re thinking — wasn’t this essay just
arguing that religious people are actually lying instead
of being crazy?Well,
yes…But
lying so devotedly
on such a grand scale about something so unnecessary is a pretty crazy
thing to
do.And what better
indicator that
someone is
crazy could you ask for
than the fact that they constantly do
crazy stuff?
Countless
others have
suggested
that religion is a
psychological disorder, of course — but it might actually be a
different
psychological disorder from the one we think it is.Rather
than belief
in God, religion might actually be the
pathological need to pretend to believe
in God.
And
this would
necessitate a
radical shift in atheist
practice.Rather
than studying biology
in order to present theists with arguments that secular explanations of
natural phenomena are valid, we should be studying psychology in order
to
present them with arguments that it’s alright for them to
stop lying about the
fact that they already realize this.
If
the truth of
God’s
non-existence is already present deep
in the hearts of most of the human race, then we don’t
actually need to convince
them of
anything.All we
have to do is remind
them: