A Pragmatic Pro-Gay-Rights Argument for Straight Men

        November 2006

Gay Book Magazine

As a straight guy, you may feel weirded out by this whole gay-rights thing (you’ll notice that I did not use the word “threatened,” because I am not trying to make fun of you or talk down to you).  I didn’t know how I felt about gay marriage and all that stuff at first either, and I understand that there’s nothing wrong with being weirded out.  Being weirded out is just an emotion.  When someone first comes up with some new idea that’s unlike how life was before, it’s a totally normal reaction to be like “What the fuck?”  But then, being all scientific and logical like I am (which is a manly thing to be, right?), I thought about it, and I eventually realized that there aren’t really any good reasons to be against gay stuff — and that there are, in fact, lots of reasons why the mainstream acceptance of gay people is a good thing from the straight man’s point of view.

Now, you’ve probably never heard any Liberals put it to you this way before.  You’re probably used to only hearing pro-gay arguments based on “tolerance” and stuff, or maybe even being called a Nazi or whatever just because you didn’t instantly start thinking that gay people were the awesomest thing that ever happened.  But The 1585 is not your average Liberal rhetoric — that's the whole point.  So, I’ve come up with a list of reasons why supporting the gay-rights movement is in your interest as a straight man.

1. Gay Guys Invent Stuff That Makes Chicks Look Hot:  You’re probably used to thinking of gay culture as existing outside of straight culture, and therefore feeling like straight culture would get messed up somehow by being infused with gay stuff.  But the fact is, straight culture has always been influenced by gay culture — especially the sex part of straight culture; it’s just that up until recently, gay people have lived kind of under-the-radar, and so you weren’t aware of all the ways they were helping you out.  For example, lots of the stuff that makes women look hot was invented by gay dudes — from sexy shoes to lingerie to makeup and perfume, it’s gay guys who come up with all that stuff, and who keep making it hotter and hotter.  Think about it:  if there were no gay guys, who’s going to invent all that stuff?  Not chicks, because there’s no way they’re going to make themselves wear all this pain-in-the-ass stuff; and certainly not you, because you would suck at it.

2. Gay Guys Convince Chicks to Fuck More:  Okay, how many times have you been out at the bars or something, and been about to leave with some chick, only to get cockblocked by her friends?  About a million, right?  As you know, chicks are jealous of one another, and when you are about to hook up, the chick’s friends see you as the enemy and want to prevent it from happening.  But when a chick is hanging out with gay guys instead of with other chicks, it’s a different story:  her gay-dude friends will encourage her to hook up, because they are still guys and thus are generally in favor of sex happening, rather than being against it.  The next time you’re out at the bars, go for the chicks who are hanging out with gay guys, and you will see that I’m right.  The gay guys might mess with you a little, but that’s only to see if you’re cool, so be cool.

3. The Existence of Gay Guys Makes Chicks More Tolerant of Porn and Stuff:  The reason that so many Feminists are anti-sex is that, if you look at straight culture in isolation, it quickly turns into an oversimplified game where men are on offense and women are on defense, and sex stuff is always “exploiting” women for the benefit of men.  But when you throw gay stuff into the mix, that distinction doesn’t work anymore.  For example, the next time you’re talking to a chick who says porn should be against the law or whatever, just ask “Even gay porn?”  Bringing this up totally destroys her position, because as a Liberal Feminist she wants to blame everything on straight men and can’t say that any gay stuff is bad; but she can’t say that straight porn should be banned and not gay porn, because that would involve treating gay people and straight people differently under the law, which she also can’t be in favor of.  Therefore, her only option is to backtrack and say that all porn is okay.  When you throw gay porn into the argument, then the definition of porn changes from men watching women have sex into people watching people have sex, which makes it all good.

4. Parties with Gay Dudes at Them Are Better Parties:  This operates on basically the same principle as items #2 and #3:  that the presence of gayness transforms sex from a matter of men and women (or even men vs. women) into a matter of people and people.  If you went to college anytime in the fairly recent past, you probably remember there being a lot of Left-wing opposition to the party scene — Feminists saw parties solely as a vehicle for men to get laid; as an environment where men try to trick women into hooking up by getting them drunk, etc.  (NOTE: the Feminists may be right depending on what the “etc.” means; handing a chick a beer is not wrong, but putting something in the beer is fucking evil and you know it, so be a man and cut the shit, assclown.)  But if you had gone to a school where there were a shitload of gay dudes (e.g., Columbia, Vassar, Sarah Lawrence), the parties would have been way awesomer.  When the only people around are straight men and straight women, then a sexy party is “sexist” — but when the guests include straight men, straight women, gay men, gay women, and whatever-the-fuck, then straight women see the party as just plain “fun.”

5. More Gay Guys Means Less Competition:  Okay, unless you are dumb, you realize that there have always been gay guys and there always will be — the only thing that’s up in the air here is whether the gay guys become openly gay or stay in the closet and pretend to be straight and force themselves to try and date women, which is what a lot of gay guys have to do in a society that’s anti-gay.  And trust me, you want gay guys to be openly gay — otherwise you’re going to have a bunch of good-looking guys who dress really well and know how to dance and work out regularly and know about Art and wine and stuff competing with you for chicks.  And that’s not gonna go your way — it’s just not.  If gay guys want to be gay, the smart choice is to let them go right ahead and be gay.

6. Being Anti-Gay is a Turn-Off to Women:  Okay, this one’s a little complicated, but stay with me.  As a few of the other items established, gay stuff is sexy from the point of view of straight women.  In fact, in straight women’s heads, gay-dude stuff is the equivalent of porn and strippers and stuff like that in a straight man’s head.  In other words, they see it as the pinnacle of sexiness, which means that someone who is against it must be jealous, which means that that person must lack confidence, and a lack of confidence is the single biggest turn-off for women.  Think about all the ways the two ideas match up:  when you meet a girl who says she likes porn and likes going to strip clubs and stuff, you think that’s really hot, right?  And when you meet a girl who gets pissed off about that stuff, you think she’s uptight and insecure and jealous, right?  Well, from a woman’s point of view, whether or not a straight man has a problem with gay guys is the same thing.  You know how, when women are jealous of another woman who’s really good-looking, they try to say she’s a slut?  It’s obvious to you that that’s just because they’re jealous, right?  Okay, now:  you know how, whenever there’s some famous dude who’s really good-looking and all the women are into him, guys always try to say he’s gay?  That’s the same thing!  If you have no problem with gay guys, then you look as cool to women as women who have no problem with sluts look to you!

7. Chicks with Gay Friends Are Better in Bed:  Unlike guys, who talk about this sort of thing 24-7, girls who want sex advice feel like they have nowhere to turn; they can’t ask straight guys, and they can’t ask their girlfriends, because either way they’re faced with the same lose-lose dilemma:  looking like a loser because they don’t already know, and getting called a slut because they want to know.  But, luckily for you, girls can always turn to gay guys.  Unlike straights, gays get to practice on people who have the same equipment they do, which makes them experts, and they’re always ready to share their vast knowledge with a straight girl in need.  Plus, hearing about “advanced” practices from gay guys makes them seem less like things the girl is doing as a favor to you, and more like things she might actually enjoy.  Whether the matter at hand is oral technique, toys, bondage, anal, three-ways, or any other thing straight guys have difficulty getting girls to try, a girl with gay friends is more likely to be not only up for it, but good at it.

8. Chicks with Gay Friends Are in Better Shape:  Unless you’ve been living in the forests of Borneo since the early ’90s, you’re more than familiar with neofeminist rhetoric about how “unnatural” it is to be thin, and how “real” women should forget about all those male-imposed standards of beauty and just let themselves chub out.  But not to worry, because gay guys aren’t buying it.  For one thing, gay dudes have an even bigger stake in traditional ideas of female beauty than you do, because many of them make their livings in industries related to those standards.  Secondly, unlike most straight guys, gay guys hold themselves to equally strict standards of attractiveness, which makes the idea that women have to do so seem less unfair — have you ever known a gay guy who didn’t work out?  And however harsh a critic of the female form you think you are, gay guys are way tougher — a gay guy will call a supermodel ugly just because one of her ears is four millimeters lower than the other.  If female beauty were American Idol, gay guys would be Simon — but they can totally get away with it, and you can’t.  True, a girl with gay friends is also more likely to expect you to be in decent shape yourself, but this is a small price to pay.

9. Gay Guys Call Girls Out on Their Bullshit:  If you’ve ever had a girlfriend, sister, mom, or pretty much even lived in the same city as a woman, you already know that they get mad about nothing on a disturbingly regular basis.  Any attempt you make to reason with them will just make it worse, and other girls certainly aren’t going to help you out because, for some reason, a chick’s girlfriends want her to be pissed at her boyfriend and will do everything in their power to fan the flames of her inexplicable resentment.  Once again, however, it’s gay dudes to the rescue.  Whether you forgot to call when you said you would, looked at another girl on the sidewalk, or fell asleep while she was complaining about her job, any gay guy she tries to bitch to about this will tell her to shut the fuck up.  What many straight guys don’t seem to get is that gay guys are still men and they know how it is.  Plus, they have had to deal with so much shit in their lives that nothing pisses them off more than someone crying her eyes out for a week over absolutely nothing.  Coming from you, the same fairly obvious explanations of why you’re still a good guy would land you on a cot in the backyard, but a gay guy’s word is your girlfriend’s command.

10. Gay Guys Make Men in General Seem More Human and Less Threatening:  Girls grow up thinking of men as this alien entity that seeks to hurt them, use them, ruin their lives over and over in every conceivable way, and then laugh about it while playing Grand Theft Auto and watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force DVDs.  But a girl who hangs out with gay guys realizes that men do in fact have feelings, fears and all the rest of it, and then these things subsequently become more noticeable in straight guys, even when the straight guys don’t express them as overtly — kind of like how it’s cute when lions yawn because they look just like housecats, despite the mouth full of giant deadly teeth.  (NOTE: Do not pet lions; they will kill you.) Women think of gay guys as domesticated men, and the fact that this is possible gives them hope.  If it weren’t for gay guys, women would have given up on the rest of us long ago.  So the next time you run into a gay guy, give him a pat on the back and buy him a beer.  (NOTE: Make it absolutely clear from the very beginning why you are doing this.)



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